Lt. Data and the Missing Meters Theory

         A Fantale by Falstaffe

     

  
         “Everthing all right, sir?”

Lt. J.G. Geordi LaForge eased the pallet of scientific equipment down to the deck plate, brought it to rest outside the flight deck’s airlock, slumped with his backside against the bulkhead. He massaged his skull above and below the metal band of his VISOR, “Fine. Just a nagging headache. Playing around with the interface settings again. It’s probably nothing.”

Chief O’Brian Ah’d sympathetically, turned his attention back to the shuttle traffic console. He raised his eyebrows, gave a hint of smirk, and asked, “Sir, don’t you think this is a little backwards?”

“Chief?”

“Well, here you are delivering cargo and I’m the reception committee,” O’Brien wagged the PADD in his hand with their new arrival’s accommodations, “And our Second Officer is out playing chauffer.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not often we get an extended stay at Vulcan, so the shore leave rotations did leave us a little light-handed.” Geordi ground a palm into his forehead, “Then I made the mistake of telling Lt. Corbin I was headed this way. If I didn’t owe him from last week’s poker game-” The wall began to hum, indicating that the landing pad on the other side of the wall was springing life, and so Geordi sprang onto his feet. He held out his hand.

Chief O’Brien handed off the PADD with a smile, “Thanks. I hear this Sel’Don is a tricky customer.”

“Oh, he’s a genius all right,” Geordi acknowledge, but then added sotto voce, “But a quirky one, I’ll grant you.”

“Transporter phobia-in a Vulcan?” Geordi nodded in agreement, so O’Brien continued, “The Enterprise’s transporters are top o’ the line.” He leaned in, conspiratorially, “And I should know-I’ve had my nose in the bloody manuals for weeks now. Pardon.”

“Trying for your Transporter Rating?” Geordi asked, and O’Brien nodded. The two had only a few moments more to banter before they were interrupted by the hiss of airlock doors pulling back. Two figures made their way from Shuttlecraft 13. To the left was Enterprise’s Second Officer, Lt. Data, a sallow-colored, golden-eyed android. To his right walked a tall, studious-looking Vulcan with razor-sharp bangs and the brocaded robes of the Vulcan Science Academy. The two men were engaged in an animated debate, although their words were garbled until they exited the din of the shuttlecraft bay.

“Mister Data, if that’s your position, than I highly doubt the integrity of your ship’s computer systems!”

Geordi and O’Brien’s eyes flicked to each other, then back to the new arrivals.

Data replied, “I assure you, Mister Sel’Don, I have thoroughly studied the analytical studies of all aspects of the Enterprise’s design and construction. You are in no danger.”

Geordi stepped in front of the pallet of equipment, made ready to greet the two, while O’Brien tried to look as inoffensive as possible and melt into the background.

“Mister Sel’Don.” Geordi forced himself to brush off the implied insult and made his tone as welcoming as possible. “I’m Lieutenant La Forge. Allow me to welcome you to the Enterprise, the flagship of the Federation-the finest ship in the galaxy. At least we like to think so. Data, welcome back.”

“Finest ship?” The Vulcan shot back, with more passion than Geordi had thought Vulcans were capable of. “Are you not aware of the design flaw?”

“Design flaw?”

“Your shuttle bay. It’s nowhere near the fantail.”

“The fantail?” Geordi repeated blankly.

“Yes, the fantail,” The Vulcan held up his hands, shaped them to resemble the back end of a starship, a distinctive curve beneath.

“Oh, uh, well, that’s because…” Geordi started, confused and unsure how or why that mattered.

Data stepped forward, “Geordi-if I may? As I was explaining to Mister Sel’Don, while it is true that the hanger bay on many starships is located above the fantail, that was to solve a problem that no longer exists.”

“Problem?” O’Brien asked, surprised that he’d allowed himself to be drawn into a dispute between superior officers.

“Yes, the problem of crashing shuttles.”

“What?!” O’Brien and Geordi asked together.

Data continued, nonplussed, “Early designers recognized that—after a shuttle crash—repair costs would be much lower if there was less starship next to the bay. Hence, the fantail. However, the Enterprise’s shuttles are much more reliable, and rarely suffer a catastrophic incident.”

“Data, I don’t think-” Geordi began, but then Sel’Don cut him off.

“Are you sure, Lt. Data? I had it on good authority that the original starship designers—human designers—accidentally ordered structural members that were too short, and because of time constraints, had to use what material they had on hand.”

Data nodded thoughtfully, “Ahh, the missing meters theory. Hmm.” The android went silent as if contemplating the truth of it.

Geordi threw his hands up in the air, “What?”

“Regardless of the origin,” the Vulcan pressed on, “Everyone knows it’s bad luck.”

O’Brien stepped up, “He’s right, Lieutenant,” he said, hands spread wide. “Everyone knows that a starship has a fantail to keep the devil from grabbin’ hold of it.” He gave Geordi a broad wink.

Geordi almost dropped the PADD.

“Apologies, Lt. LaForge. At the Vulcan Science Academy I have so little contact with humans that I was concerned about fitting in with a mostly human crew. Lt. Data offered to help me assimilate smoothly and noted that a shared humorous falsehood—typically of exaggerated proportions—often serves as an…ice breaker?” He said, face scowling as he obviously wondered where frozen H2O figured into human social interactions.

Geordi relaxed, chagrined that an android and a Vulcan had conspired to tell a joke. Not only that-it had been successful. “You got me, and good. Now, if I can welcome you properly?” Geordi gestured to the pallet next to the airlock, “Here’s the collection of spores, molds and fungi for your lab, Mister Sel’Don.”

“Oh, they’re not for my lab.” The Vulcan replied. “They’re pets.”

Behind the VISOR, Geordi’s eyes narrowed, and his forehead wrinkled.

O’Brien asked, “The headache?”

“Oh yeah. With a vengeance.”

(So much of Star Trek is centered on the bridge, but a starship has many other locations, with interesting tales of their own to tell. This is the first of--hopefully-- a few "Fantales" that I have planned-stories from the flight deck of the Enterprise and her sister-ships.  It was a bit challenging to squeeze the premise into the thousand-word limit of "flash fiction." Hope you enjoyed it.)

Short Story Review: "Some Desperado" by Joe Abercrombie

It's gonna be hard for me to look at this story objectively (you'll see why in a moment,) and I almost feel like Joe Abercrombie is going to be owed an apology when I'm done. Because, as you might expect from the title of the story, this is a Western. A straight-up, sixgun, real-life American Western. As a lad I hated westerns, preferring instead monsters, spaceships and little green men.

"Wagon train to the stars?" Yes.

"Actual Wagon Train?" No.

But that isn't my problem with this story.

No, my tastes in genres has (like my waistline) broadened with age, and now some good ol' fashioned "High Noon" fun--such as is presented in "Some Desperado"--is a welcome change of pace. The characters are both quirky and memorable. The plot is slight, but in the vein of a Coen brothers flick, or the board-game Fiasco, where characters with big plans watch them unravel before their eyes and we delight as they get put through the wringer. In summation, a thoroughly enjoyable read, "Some Desperado" is told mainly through crisp action, with Tarrentino-esque fight scenes containing unexpected twists and turns.

So where's the problem? It's a Western. A good and entertaining Western. What's wrong with that?

The problem, my friends is that this is the very first story in the Anthology "The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year, Volume Eight" edited by Jonathan Strahan. Nothing in the story qualifies it as either Science Fiction OR Fantasy. It's not set in an alternate universe and there's not a single supernatural element present in the story. Nada, zip, bupkiss.

And to say that it's fantasy because of the cinematic nature of the action would be a far stretch. None of the stunts in "Some Desperado" reach the level of, say, either the "Indiana Jones" or the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchises (both clearly fantasy.)

If it was hidden in the middle of the lineup, it might have slipped by unnoticed, but it's the first batter up to the plate. Strahan picks this for his lead-off hitter? Worse still, the first page of the story faces the last page of the introduction which bemoans, "Were there stories that I'd like to have included that aren't here? Certainly..."

Uh, Jon, what if you left out this one?

Sorry Joe, though I did like your story an awful lot. (See, I knew there was going to be an apology.)

Doctor Who: A Guide for Brits

In the entire history of television in the United Sates, one show stands out as the most familiar and beloved for generation after generation of Americans. Its lead character is more well known than any Muppet on Sesame Street, and in a recent survey topped Superman as the one fictional character most Americans wish they could call for help. Who is it? Well, Doctor Who, of course.

Despite being more ubiquitous than Spongebob, Doctor Who is just now beginning to catch fire among viewers in the United Kingdom, thanks to the recent decision at the BBC to air reruns. So, while any 5th grader from Anchorage to Zanesville can tell you the difference between a Cyberman and a Cybermat, few Londoners are  familiar with the show's central character, and want to know just who is "The Doctor?"

Well, the simple answer is that he's an alien who travels in time and space, taking with him a number of human companions to help share in his adventures. However, the show contains a unique plot device that allows the producers to swap out the actor playing the Doctor: he doesn't die, he merely regenerates. Each time a new actor takes on the role, the character's personality and appearance changes too, allowing the Doctor to never go out of style.

To help our friends across the Atlantic, here's a brief rundown of all the different versions of the Doctor to date.

The First Doctor: Burgess Meredith (1963-1966)

"Now I'll have all the time in the world!"
In the beginning, the Doctor wasn't meant to be an alien at all. As originally conceived by writer and producer Rod Serling, he was simply a "charter member in the fraternity of dreamers. A bookish little man whose passion is the printed page," who stumbles on the secret of time travel. Burgess' charm and impish humor shone through, and soon the role expanded. When contract negotiations kept Meredith from continuing the role, Serling came up with the concept that the Doctor was really an extraterrestrial, capable of re-igniting the cells in his body, and recast the part. (Serling also created the menacing Daleks. Note to our British friends, it's "DAY-lek," not "DOLL=lek.")

The Second Doctor: Jonathan Harris (1966-1969)

"Oh, you poor Cybermen. You're doooomed, doooomed, I say." 
The Doctor's first regeneration highlighted the change in personality that came with a new actor. Where Burgess was humorously sly, character actor Jonathan Harris portrayed him as cantankerous and acerbic, who could cut a monster just as sharply with a laser or barbed comment. Ironically, Jonathan Harris was considered for the role of a doctor on another show,  the "Dr. Smith" of Irwin Allen's "Space Family Robinson." The part went instead to...Burgess Meredith!

The Third Doctor: Roddy McDowell (1970-1974)

"My whole life I've been trying to prove I'm not just yesterday."
Fresh off the success of the Planet of the Apes, Roddy McDowell was looking for roles in television, and found it when the big, blue phone booth arrived on his doorstep. His Doctor was charming and full of childlike wonder one moment, moody and deadly serious the next. His choice of wardrobe reflected McDowell's personal tastes, too. Where Meredith looked like a bookish "everyman" and Harris was a silver-suited spaceman, McDowell chose sophisticated 70's glam. Much has been made of the feud between McDowell and series writer Harlan Ellison, and their alleged fistfight at a late-night Hollywood Hills party involving models (extras from the show, still in full alien regalia), drugs and a llama (dyed purple for reasons that are still unclear.) Ellison's exit from the show left McDowell with some less-than-stellar scripts, and the next Doctor would benefit from a complete turnover of the writing staff.

The Fourth Doctor: Gene Wilder (1974-1981)
"The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last."
 Perhaps one of the most beloved incarnations, Gene Wilder's Doctor was an unpredictable madman, driven to the brink of insanity by the Time Vortex, the maelstrom of infinite possibilities that his time machine navigated through. A master of the comic "slow boil," Wilder's Doctor delighted in baffling his foes with fits of rage. Where McDowell's Doctor always seemed stylishly unflappable and on top of things, Wilder made his Doctor vulnerable, and so sympathetic to viewers. His run was the longest to date, aided by the addition of David Gerrold to the production team who brought in other former Star Trek writers like D.C. Fontana, Larry Niven, Norman Spinrad, Walter Koenig.
 

The Fifth Doctor: Val Kilmer (1982-1984)

"Whoah."
After so many versions of the Doctor, producers decided for a radical approach to the Fifth. They cast a youthful face, that of actor Val Kilmer. His was a handsome and laid back California surfer kid, yet still amazing brilliant, and laced with irreverence. Kilmer's take embraced the embryonic "Nerd Culture" that began in the early 80's. Appealing and popular, his run was cut short by Hollywood when he was cast as Batman, a move that the actor regretted for the rest of his life.

The Sixth Doctor: Christopher Lloyd (1984-1986)

"There's that word again. "Heavy." Why are things so heavy in the future?
Is there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull?"
Another wildly popular, if short-lived, version of the Doctor was performed by actor Christopher Lloyd. His Doctor hid his brilliance beneath a facade built of character flaws. His was a bumbling, stumbling, easily-frightened Doctor, slurring his words like a three-a.m. drunk. His sense of style seemed to mock McDowell's, sporting out-of date fashions. Despite his popularity in the role, it was undeniable that viewer fatigue was starting to set in, and during the 80's no actor would play the Doctor for more than two years in a row.

The Seventh Doctor: John Lithgow (1987-1989)

"Suspenders are cool." 
John Lithgow's Doctor (left) borrowed the "erratic madman" aspect of Wilder and Lloyd and melded them within his empathetic, moon-faced smile. Ironically, Lithgow had played the Doctor's mortal enemy, the Master,
years earlier during the 5th Doctor's run (right.) Despite being warmly received, Lithgow's reign suffered with less-than spectacular scripts under the helm of Producer Fred Freiberger. The Doctor faced a foe that even he couldn't defeat: low ratings, and the show was put on hiatus for several years.

The Eighth Doctor: Jeff Goldblum (1996)

"You've heard of chaos theory? No? Non-linear equations? Strange attractions?
Dr. Sattler, I refuse to believe that you aren't familiar with the concept of attraction."
Hard-core Whovians might dispute the inclusion here of Goldblum's Doctor, featured in the ill-fated 1996 TV-movie. Producers brought in actor Brent Spiner to reprise Lloyd's sixth Doctor and took numerous liberties with the show's established lore. However, fans in recent years have begun to embrace the effort, helped in no small part by Goldblum's magnetic personality (and some deft ret-conning of the movie's inconsistencies with previously established facts.) Goldblum's Doctor seemed to have his head so full of spinning thoughts and facts that he could barely keep it all under control, like a lumberjack on a spinning log.

The Ninth Doctor: Zachary Quinto (2005)
"Well, I'm different now. I feel I've been given a chance to start over.
A new life, new identity. New purpose."
Proving you can't keep a good Doctor down forever, the series was revived in 2005 in a big way, enhanced by intelligent scripts aimed more squarely at a sophisticated adult audience and using state-of-the art special effects. Gone were the monsters in rubber suits, and the tin-can space stations dangling awkwardly on strings in front of glowing blue screens (the ancient forerunner of modern green-screen technology.) In its place were lifelike alien makeups, and dazzling CGI. A new "Golden Age" of Doctor Who had begun. To kick it off, producers chose Zachary Quinto, an actor who was more grounded in earthy reality than previous Doctors, lending believability to the otherworldly scripts. Sadly, Quinto fell into a dispute with producers, cutting short his run. His spot-on support of a new beginning for the show would soon be overshadowed by one of the most popular incarnations of the Doctor.

The Tenth Doctor: Jim Parsons (2005-2010)

"Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic."
Grimly determined one moment, and childishly amused the next, Parson's Doctor couldn't seem to reconcile these two halves of his personality. Physically, he used his unimposing voice and lanky, gangly appearance to lull alien warlords and maniacal robots into thinking he wasn't a threat. But the truth was that this Doctor was unstoppable. Always one step ahead. The actor's youthful, quirky charm grew on fans, and Parson had a long, successful run.

The Eleventh Doctor: Robert Downey Jr. (2010-2013)

"Because I'm your nuclear deterrent. It's working. We're safe. America is secure."
The series continued success became bolstered by the addition of J. Michael Straczynski to the writing and production staff, and the show began to adopt his signature style of linked story arcs, weaving a vast tapestry of story telling that spanned time and space. The charismatic Robert Downey Jr became the latest incarnation of the Time Lord. A brilliant thinker, if somewhat erratic and egocentric, and always stylish.

The Twelfth Doctor  (2014-???)

As this is being written, the new Doctor has yet to be cast, and speculation is running fast and furious over who should be the next Who. Should producers go with a big name like Johnny Depp or Jake Gyllenhall? Should the Doctor change ethnicity and be played by a Will Smith or Nick Cannon? Perhaps he should cross the gender line and return as Zooey Deschanel? And why does the Doctor need to be a middle-aged white guy? Actor Danny Pudi, known for his character "Abed Nadir" on NBC's Community has campaigned tireless for the role, despite lampooning it on his show. Perhaps he deserves a shot.

Who knows, perhaps even a British actor?

Your guess is as good as mine (and welcomed in the Comments, below.)